My Journey: Part Four-Frustration!

I have never been one to enjoy exercising...NEVER! This new routine was very difficult for me. There is nothing more boring that standing in one place sweating to death, even despite having a television in front of me. I start watching the time on the eliptical wondering how much longer I have to endure the torture. It is so frustrating to be working so hard and not seeing results. Just when you are about ready to throw in the towel and be fat for the rest of your life, you see a pound or two fade away. It gives you just enough hope that you keep going...and then those one or two pounds join you again. What?!? I didn't change anything! I didn't pig out! I am going up on the amount of time I exercise...why am I gaining? There were days that I just about chucked the scale out the window. What an emotional roller coaster.

To try to spice things up, I borrowed new exercise videos from friends (thanks ladies...you know who you are). Talk about feeling like an idiot. It took quite a few tries to get those routines down-let's just say I am not a dancer and never will be. I am soooo glad my kids are the only ones who have seen me do those videos.

Slowly a few more pounds disappeared. I am sure that the pounds would have gone quicker had I decided to do a diet, but that is another one of my 4 letter words. I have tried to diet before, but for some reason I don't do well. For some reason...listen to me...I know the reason...I LOVE FOOD!!! Exercising is a good start along with trying to watch my portions. As for now, I have not taken anything away from my diet, I just limit the amount. One thing I have learned about myself over the years is that if I take something away completely, I want it more and end up splurging like crazy which in the end is worse than letting me have it to begin with. Crazy-I know!

After many fluctuations in weight, I am happy to say that I have lost 30 pounds-or as I like to say, I am back to pre-Maizy weight. I currently am sitting at 215, and I know my journey is definitely not done. I have more than that left to go, but it is a good start for the last 6 months. My friend Mandy has been asking me when I am going to buy new clothes. When I get below 200, I will get me new clothes. That is a goal for now!!!

My Journey: Part Three (with a 4 letter word)

4-letter words are, as you know, words that are usually bad words. Well, one of my "4-letter" words is exercise. Yes, I know it is more than 4 letters, but it still fits into the same category. Unfortunately with my birthday just around the corner, the word exercise had to become part of my daily vocabulary whether I liked it or not.

I started slowly...not because I wanted to, but because it is all I could do! 5 minutes on my elliptical was pure torture. It had me winded so badly. That told me pretty quickly just how bad of shape I truly was in. Since it was summer, I tried running outside early mornings on the high school track. With how out of shape I was, I had exercise induced asthma and would come home hacking, coughing and wheezing. It was horrible. Needless to say, I stopped running outside and continued at home. I am hoping to venture back outside this summer to see if that has improved.

245! No this is not the time of day. It is not the oven temp for a meal. It is not our house address either. It was my top weight and a place I never imagined I would be. Although it is hard to say that outrageous number out loud, I need myself to see it. I had scheduled myself for my annual woman appointment near my birthday. Although it is definitely NOT what I would call a great birthday present to myself, it is a great reminder each year that it needs to be done. I had started exercising prior to the doctor appt, but hadn't made much progress yet. My doctor has always told me to be careful with my weight because of the PCOS and how difficult
it is to get it off. One of his first questions was if I had been exercising. When I said yes, he asked how many days a week. In response to my saying 5, he said 7. 7 days a week, really??? I didn't think you were suppose to exercise 7 days a week. Obviously my doctor thought I had a lot to get rid of. So the journey of 7 days a week started.

Over the next several months, I slowly worked up on the amount of time I exercised. For the most part, 7 days a week is what I did, but there were occasional times that I could only fit in 5 or 6. I was proud of myself. I was actually following through with a pretty routine exercise regimen.

My Journey: Part Two

Things were better in Idaho for us as a family. We truly did actually become a family, at least I think we did, while we were there. I would like to believe that the few counseling sessions we went to were helpful, but really Casey was only able to attend one before he started working in Idaho and couldn't get the time off. Between the business, a new baby, and starting a new job, life was still hectic, but tolerable.
Crazy at it may sound, after being in Idaho for just over a year, Casey decided he didn't like it and we put our house up for sale around Thanksgiving. Within a month, we were under contract and more stress set in. Packing, and more packing, and more packing pretty much by myself since Casey still worked full time. Not only that, but I started back at Primary's since I could regain everything I had left if I went back so quickly. Between now 2 little ones, commuting again, and packing, I was back into my habit of eating and eating and eating...or so I thought it was just related to stress!

Somehow things just happened to work out. We had planned for Casey to have a week off of work in January. Well, it just so happened that is the week we needed to move out. In the middle of a HUGE snow storm, we had our moving caravan traveling back home to Utah. Unpacking in the middle of the storm back into mom and dad's was even better. I don't think we have had people move so fast in their lives. We had it all unpacked within a few hours-and believe me it was a ton of crap.

Over the next 6 weeks, things were stressful as Casey still had to commute to Idaho for the business as we hadn't sold it, the place we were renting wasn't ready so our family was crammed in with my parents, and we found out that we were miraculously expecting our 3rd child. This is when I went into another big depressed and continued my bad habit of shoveling food in my face (when I felt good enough to do it) as well as crying for 2 weeks straight (although not around Casey since I hadn't told him yet).

The business finally sold..sigh of relief. The house we were renting finally became available..phew now we have breathing room. I finally told Casey about the baby..he handled it better than me. Some relief, but I couldn't get past reality. 3 children...3...how am I going to work full time with 3 very small children?...Zoey will only be 14 months when this baby is born...what am I going to do?!! Needless to say, the bad habit continued. By now, I was a balloon-this is before the pregnancy. I was way beyond where I told myself I would EVER let me get to. It is amazing how fast it sneaks up on you...or you just ignore it!

Casey luckily got a job and then changed to another one...sigh of relief. We started more stressful things with preparing the property and eventually the construction of our house-oh the joys of building. And we welcomed Zander to the family. Although I wouldn't trade any of my children for anything, those first few months were very difficult. I didn't have time for anything. Most days I didn't even get dressed. I wouldn't have said I had postpartum depression, it was just general life depression. I am lucky that I do have a husband that helps with the kids. If he didn't, I truly don't know if I would have any marbles left, where I still do have a few.

We finally finished the house last Spring...another sigh of relief. The move was stressful, but it was the last move I ever planned to do for the rest of my life. We were finally able to clear out my parents basement and have access to all of our stuff which we hadn't in over a year. Life was busy with the 3 kids, trying to get the house together, and work between Casey and myself, but it was somehow tolerable.

As my 30th birthday creeped closer, I became more and more disgusted with myself. How could I have let myself get this far? Clothes weren't fitting at all. Even the ever forgiving scrubs were no longer forgiving and getting tight. I didn't have money for new ones, nor did I want new and bigger ones. I wanted to be thinner, I just wish you could snap your fingers and it would occur.

My Journey: Part One

Last year being my 30th birthday, I started a BADLY needed journey. Although I don't want to remember exactly where I was at at the time, I feel that I have already come so far that it deserved remembering so hopefully I never get there again.

Some of you will know from back in my school days that I was not a "small" child according to girl standards. I'm not just talking about height either. High school came with 160 lb and size 12 jeans, which is big for that age-no matter what height you are. I wish I could say that size came with just being lazy, but no, that was with 3 sports a year. Running pancake ladders for volleyball, regular ladders and laps for basketball and some exercise for softball.

After high school came college and the typical freshman 20. There was the occasional trip to the gym as well as walking around campus. Okay, not terrible, but not great either.
Then, I met Casey! Not to say that he is to blame, because it is totally my fault. I just became content with doing nothing. Our time together was watching movies. Don't get me wrong, I love movies. If only they were the whole problem. Other issues arose, which I won't get into. Let's just say that my depression hit and shows in the form of food. I eat....and I eat....and I eat! Packing on approx 30+ more lbs and thus my problem. I am pretty good at hiding emotions from outside people, I just hide behind food.

Then you think you have fixed things and you start to try for a child! My doctor tells me I have PCOS. What is that you say? Polycystic Ovary Syndrome-which in a nutshell messes with your hormones and causes an increase in androgens which leads to: female irregularity, infertility due to no ovulation, excessive hair growth (darn, I can't blame that on my just my dad), acne, easy weight gain or obesity and several other things. He placed me on clomid and 9 months or so down the road, we found out a baby would be joining the family.

Life is good. Maizy arrives and I found the joys of a child. I start exercising a little by taking walks with Maizy. 9 months after that we have a crisis hit with Casey's health which in turns puts a lot of stress on me. What do I do? I eat...and I eat...and I eat! The health crisis starts to get better, but other things do not. They return to the same place, or worse, than before Maizy. You learn to deal with them for a while until you just can't any more. The bitterness, the hurt, the pain all sets in...and I eat...and eat...and eat!

As things get settled into a different part of my life, I start taking walks again with Maizy, but life remains stressful. Things start to improve and we make a startling life change and move to Idaho to hopefully get a fresh start. Some stress set in as I know this move means ending the job I love but hopefully means less stress in other areas of our lives . More stress comes as I find we are surprisingly expecting a second child and have to commute to Utah for my job in order to have benefits.

Although my habits of food did not change after this point, life did become a lot better. I think a move away really helped us. Although we love our families, sometimes they hinder situations whether they mean to or not. Being just the two of us made us talk and become closer as we had to rely on just us. Other things did not turn out as I would have liked, but some things you just have to learn to let go.

Lots of things happened over the next 9 months which included my grandma passing away, Zoey joining the family, quitting Primary's, getting a new job in Idaho, and starting our own business buying the route Casey had been driving. Talk about stressful! I never knew the details of running your own business, and if it came down to it again, I don't know that I would take that on. The only other thing that became stressful was the fact that it seemed we were driving to Utah for family things an awful lot. Not that it is bad to be with family, but it seemed like it was every other weekend and that becomes taxing on you.

Stay tuned!